Deep Down Inside

I am currently battling a bout of clinical depression. I suffer from Schizoaffective Disorder, which is a combination of Manic Depression and Schizophrenia combined. I have it under control – I have been stable for 5+ years.

Even though my illness is contained, it is always there. Most of the times it is too small to bring up with my psychiatrist and it just passes quickly. Every now and then, I get an intrusive mental state and it needs to be addressed. I am in a state like that right now.

I am usually psyched to mix, but it is hard to find enjoyment in the things that I normally interested in. This includes a lot of things. Thankfully I have a call with my doc tomorrow. I will most likely need a medication adjustment.

I am having trouble even writing this, but it is a task accomplished and that makes me feel a bit more sane, but these things pass quickly when I am in the throws of a depressive episode. Everything that brings me joy is now just flat and unimportant.

I know it is really bad if I have suicidal thoughts or ideas of death. Death is really on my mind all the time, but it is there on the bench waiting to be called to go into the game.

I am going to be alright, but right now, I don’t feel it even if logically it makes sense.

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