Let It All Go

I have been absent from my social media by simply not going to those sites and interacting with people. It has done wonders for my mental health as I am schizoaffective (a mix of bipolar and schizophrenia). I get paranoid very easy and just as easily have delusions of grandeur. This swing back and forth was completely affecting my life.


I just recently became aware of these mental states. I had still been getting updates via email which limited my social media use, but was a sort of crutch to ease my mind from the actual action of logging onto my accounts. I got updates and they were good when they came, but when they didn’t I would feel bad about myself and become paranoid.


I have just cut myself loose from all things qualifying. I stopped the notifications and the stats I would constantly check and try to decipher what those numbers meant. But now I’m like “Fuck That”. My worth has to come from within. No amount of ranking or followers was going to really make me feel good about myself. Those good numbers were fleeting and quick boosts.


If i put my worth in the hands of those people who interact with my accounts or visit my website, they are being handed the keys to the door to my happiness. So I am on a I do not give a fuck about you state of mind.
It feels amazing. It reminds me that once I would just create for the love of it. For a few years, I had quit the DJ arena in my town and just made mixes for myself and friends. There was no feedback, no rankings, no followers, no re-tweets, no likes, no email collections. It was just about the power to create.


It is the same for my other outlets of creative expression. I never had a store to try and sell my shit. I just did it because I felt the need, the omnipresent drive to create. There are a million things I have drawn, painted, written and just created that no one has ever laid eyes on. That right there is my truth.


I cannot live a life without creation. I cannot not produce art. I cannot allow my drive for making art be sidelined by the judgments of others. Even now as I write, I am under the assumption that no one will ever read this. If you are then know I did not write this for your consumption, but rather my need. 


Creativity is both my lifeblood as well as my drug.