The Stay

driven home from a place of hell and suffering
a long 2 day drive, a stop in between
loving father to save his only son
paranoia is my best friend
pain is his sidekick
suffering is beneath them both
taken to a place of healing
locked up for 10 days
diagnosis explains all
new enemy turns out to be self
mind is twisted and ill
insanity painful friend for life
many years on and off treatment
began with free therapy
trial packets of medication
job from fathers workplace
6 years of tumultuous illness
sane and well to sick and in hell
in hospital forced haldol into system
calmed and felt happy
cigarette breaks disappeared
good thing discontinued
order food for next meal
surprisingly good
groups and doctor visits
day broken by day sessions
drawing in the day room
conversing with other patients
bunk mate spoke to a ghost
horrible movies at night
all belongings taken
no shoes
string from favorite sweatshirt stolen
dirty shower, personal bathrooms
no motive to be clean
oxymoron from place of confinment
bank of payphones
no privacy anywhere
talks of manic ideas
depression weighs heavy in air
days go by unassuming
waiting for check mark for relaease
once signed out against medical advice
rescheduled wedding from, being in that place
wife separated from my being through glass doors
father brought food from fast food
yelled at staff for laughing at patients
real or unreal no one knows for sure
time at the window with tiny cup of water
allowed happy pills though out day
on release steak and beer
sat alone on booth at bar
drank sugar iced tea prior to admission
quick diagnosis of diabetes
next days blood overturned medical suspicion
dragon and demon pointing to hell represented by earth
this all makes sense
pain and suffering to come for years
knowing what I battle is comfort
sentence of mental illness for life
risk of suicide looming
creativity linked to manic depression
great artists and poets post humorously diaganosed
touched by fire explains the past
future is unknown
time and again readmitted
illness persists and haunts
what am i?
a statistic
a cautionary tale
one in millions
one in a million
both sides of the coin
days gone by
nothing changes there
stability is purpose
only upon realization of goal is freedom offered
anger at it all
me against the world for so long
past ravaged by insane decisions and actions
military did nothing to help mental state
drawing on walls with black marker
moved to new housing
roaches ruled the new living
lights on they scatter
get used to their presence
trip to egypt was a nice escape
first deployment would be last
kindness from friend to deny security
only path was discharge
spoken words with colonel provide wisdom
marathon and not sprint
moved to belly of beast
spent year in a hell of my own making
lost days and nights
erratic behavior and advantage taken
slipping further down rabbit hole
no reality is found after red pill
blue pill is given every night
hell grows from sick mind
they are all watching
tv speaks directly to me
special messages in world around
fear of laughter
fear of crowds
fear of people
fear of humanity
fear of universe
lost faith in god
lost friends to illness
seeking meaning in books and movies
music is real escape
turn the music up loud
Can’t hear the voices in my head
all are actors on a stage
desire to forfeit character
desire for darkness and time alone
never really knew my being